Said Goodbye 10 Years Ago

TEN years!!! So long ago. How have I made it this far without her? 10 years ago, I said goodbye to my mom for the last time. She passed away May 25, 2006 at 10:07 pm. I'll never forget that moment, those months leading up to it, those last 4 years of her fighting for her life! Her fight and faith have inspired me to push to be the best I can be every day.

Obviously, I want her here with us. However, there have been many blessings that have come along with being a motherless mother. My challenges have turned into blessings. My weaknesses have turned into my strengths. Her journey has given me such richness and perspective in life that I am forever grateful for.

She taught me so much. Growing up, she taught me the power of humor. The power of laughing at yourself and not taking life too seriously. She taught me the impact of always being there for people, and always being others cheerleaders! Not to be envious, but to rejoice in other peoples joy. She lived that by example.

After she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, it ultimately took her life 4 years later. During that journey, she taught me determination. Faith. Hope. Fight. Prayer. Power of friendships. Power of communication. Joy. Appreciation for the little things. This is where I consider my life to be blessed by her journey. These traits have given more depth to life than I ever imagined.

I know what a mother feels, thinks, regrets and wishes for on her death bed. As morbid as that sounds...it is a blessing that I got to experience this. I get the rare opportunity to live motherhood in reverse. From the deathbed, backwards. I have taken her wishes, regrets, thoughts, memories and instilled them in my daily mothering. I am living to honor her motherhood journey. And let me tell you what a blessing that is!

I make a conscious effort to learn from my mistakes rather than dwelling on them, not getting caught up in the hustle and bustle, or get stuck in the trap of being too busy to slow down, not to expect perfection from my kids, or wasting time worrying about how things look from the outside. Mom said, "following the crowd means giving up on Gods version of being yourself, being yourself is where you will find your true life." I have no interest in 'keeping up with the Jones'...that is such a waste of joy and potential. So, am I perfect?! HECK NO! I will have my own regrets, that's for sure! But, all of those lessons have given me such freedom in my motherhood. Thank you mom, really! I thank her daily for these lessons that I learned during the end of her life. Her words struck cords in my heart. I wasn't even a mother at that point, but I held her words close to my heart. And I am forever grateful for that.

10 years ago, she groomed me to be a mother. A mother that she wished she would have been in her younger years. She said as a younger mother she wasted so much time being hard on herself, worrying about this or that, trying to keep up with the cool things, etc. Then, as she aged she realized how much joy this stole from her. Joy taken away that she could never get back. Those words were trapped in my heart. I try my very hardest to live by these words each day. Keep motherhood simple. Keep childhood simple. Make your house a home. Stick to the roots...enjoy the moment, always be kind, listen to your gut, be yourself, don't sweat the small stuff, only worry about impressing God, and have FUN!

So, I said goodbye 10 years ago. However, the words in my heart and the memories she left behind have created a legacy that I try to live by. I have my weaknesses, but I rely on our final months together to turn those into strengths! Thank you mom for being my role model, my inner voice, and the one who inspires me to be the best mother I can be!